Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
