I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
