This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
