To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
