Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I can text with my tongue
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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