I puked a lego.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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