I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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