He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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