I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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