Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
