i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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