you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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