Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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