U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
