I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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