I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
