I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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