Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
