Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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