Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Randomize
