The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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