Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
