so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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