dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize