i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You work out of a Hotel?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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