I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
