he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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