smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
