I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
