Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
