I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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