Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
