You can't motorboat a personality
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
