The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She needs sedatives and a leash
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
