After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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