How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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