id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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