sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
