i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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