Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
