I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
