sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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