bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
