The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
