don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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