if i can run in heels then i can drive
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
