Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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