Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
