I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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