So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
