so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
