I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize