dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
