I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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