I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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