well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
