I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
