I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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