Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
